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‘Turn over a new leaf for a better self’ is a good saying.

 

As it suggests, taking off the skin of your past self and becoming a nice person must be a good thing.

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Of course, the situation where it doesn’t call for a new leaf to be turned over from the beginning is the most preferred but unfortunately, the situation I was in, wasn’t the most favorable one. 

 

I was what you’d commonly call a ‘scum', and a trash that was befitting to that word. Since middle school, from going around doing various deeds I got suspended as easily as eating food, and in highschool that I barely made it into, I got expelled not even a year later.

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My mother, who raised me and my younger brother without a husband, rather chose to give up trying to scold me with a self-abandoned face. I’m sure she was tired of it all.

 

It could’ve been that she thought, she should just give up a son in the harsh reality where she needed to make her ends meet by leaving everyday at dawn to her workplace at a restaurant. 

 

The me who no longer had to attend school, acted like I owned the world. As if I was an unconstrained scoundrel, I spent days doing whatever the hell I wanted to. 

 

I ripped cash off of those who were wearing uniforms of my age, and I stole the money of drunkards and went on a spending spree everyday to buy alcohol only to chug it down.

 

Soaked in freedom that wasn’t interfered by anyone, I smoked two or three packs per day, and down the line, I even got my hands on drugs with the start of someone giving it to me saying it’ll make me trippy. To appear bluff, I got a tattoo, and went around on a motorcycle with those that were the same kind as me and fought people.

 

I don’t know if it was because the only thing that I was good at was fighting, but I became the head of a bunch and went on dangerous motorcycle drives that were full of thrills.

 

Back then, I thought that these things were what would make me look cool, and that I was someone who was incredible. This came naturally after seeing how everyone feared me, and those that were trapped in school like pigs in a pigpen who just studied their heads off... couldn’t even meet their eyes with me.

 

At that time, I didn’t know all of these would gradually paralyze my brain and throw me off the cliff which I wouldn’t be able to climb back up.

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When I occasionally hear about people that went through turning over a new leaf, there were often cases where one day out of nowhere, they suddenly felt skeptical about themselves and pulled themselves together.

 

“If only I was like this too. My life would’ve gotten much better if I had decided to pull myself together after being shocked at one point seeing a blonde thug that’s only ‘cool’ on the outside looking back at me when I peered into the mirror”.

 

Despite being fully aware that no matter how much I regret the past it won’t change anything, I can’t help but feel the guilt that stemmed from this pressing down on my chest whenever I think of it.

 

Once I reached the age where everyone around me was busy preparing for important exams, I got myself employed at a certain loan business, calling it a ‘work’.

 

My job was to collect money and bring it back. The majority that couldn’t pay up were mostly those that were deep in poverty to the point they were barely managing by, and didn’t even have a place to run away to.

 

But in my eyes, they looked nothing more than moneybags that’d fill my daily quota.

 

I used violence, threats using children and women, and sometimes I’d even wait all night to use my knife and stab the debted. I did everything in my power if it meant I could get the money returned.

 

The money that I earned from the business like that was larger of a sum than expected, and I was still drowned in my own pride.

 

“See, making money is easy.” My mother who worked for more than 10n years at a restaurant and yet wasn’t able to be freed of the pay that was no more than the price of the monthly rent for a single basement space, seemed pathetic and made me feel annoyed.

 

That’s why I never brought home the money that I earned, not even once. I was busy using the cash for my entertainment. Everyday, I drank expensive liquor, went around high class bars and pubs, and bathed myself in enjoyable thoughts that I was someone amazing. 

 

The one and only person I gave away my earned money to was Myeong-Shin, who was my lover at the time.

 

As a fellow highschool dropout, he had a pretty face that could be believed as a girl’s. Myeong-shin, who made me realize for the first time that I could sleep with guys, wasn’t talkative, and the way he followed me from behind me like a puppy aroused my protective instincts.

 

With not having to worry about accidentally impregnating him, he was a person that I could relieve my sexual needs with whenever I needed to. That was how it all began, but a year after meeting him, I found myself thinking that he was my woman before I knew it.